Why do our traumas get stuck on repeat?

by Dr. Yakov Barton

Maybe you’ve noticed that traumas from your past tend to echo in a recurring pattern in your life. People who grew up in emotionally abusive families often find themselves in friendships and partnerships that repeat the same patterns. Individuals who had emotionally vacant and neglectful parents may realize they are perpetually clinging to avoidant relationships, seemingly on the verge of slipping away. Veterans with near-death war traumas may encounter recurring dangerous situations long after their military service has ended. Those who were bullied by peers growing up often experience the world as being against them in their adult life.

Why is this?

Throughout my work as a trauma psychologist, I’ve observed three common mechanisms that help explain why our traumas seem to repeat over and over throughout our lives—at least until we process them. The better we understand these mechanisms, the more power we have to disrupt our looping trauma patterns and build a healthier emotional life that is free from obsolete suffering.

#1: Vigilance & sensitivity

The first arises from our vigilance and sensitivity towards a charged topic, meaning we are perpetually on the lookout for past traumas repeating themselves. Imagine if back in hunter gatherer times, you noticed a crackle in the bushes before a tiger jumped out and tried to eat you. If you narrowly escaped, you would likely become hypervigilant towards any future sounds that remind you of this experience, to help maximize your chances of survival in the case of a repeat event. It wouldn’t matter if there were 1,000 false positives, if there were one true positive that saved your life and you were able to procreate as a result, then that vigilant trait would be selected for in the gene pool. This is how our species evolved to remain firmly tethered to past disturbing experiences, arguably to a greater degree than nearly any other. Evolution hasn’t led us to be free of anxiety and vigilance, thus we are not programmed to easily leave behind old—and perhaps obsolete—traumas. 

#2: Attraction to our shadows

The second mechanism through which our traumatized patterns may appear to repeat is based in our unconscious attraction to what is familiar. As humans, we are often drawn back to our shadows to confront and transcend them. This is often expressed in our kinks and fantasies. In one example of this phenomenon, we may find ourselves in the same dysfunctional relationships that mirror old patterns from our families of origin, and perfectly trigger our anxious or avoidant attachment fears. We are enamored with these relationships and experiences to try to master them—which if done in a conscious and effective way can be a form of healthy adaptation and personal evolution.

#3: Unconscious repetition

Finally, the third way traumatic themes in our lives can show up in a repeating loop is through a sort of backfiring of the strategies we are using—consciously or unconsciously—to try to avoid these same traumas. In other words, the parts of us that are hard at work protecting us may inadvertently create recurring situations that lead us to reexperience these feared scenarios. A good example is that of social anxiety. A socially anxious part of us may attempt to protect us from future instances of past social humiliation or rejection by rendering us rigid, cold, or socially withdrawn. This, in turn, may lead to a self-manifested reexperiencing of feeling disconnected from partners, friends, and community. It’s important to avoid seeing this as victim-blaming, because a deeper understanding of this mechanism can lead to greater empowerment and agency to create change.

How can we evolve?

Throughout my clinical work, I’ve found that shining a light on these trauma-perpetuating mechanisms can be a potent tool in unraveling our loops of suffering. With powerful somatic-based and trauma-informed treatment modalities like eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) and internal family systems (IFS), we can process through and recode obsolete traumas, particularly in the way they are stored in our nervous systems, freeing us from self-sabotaging attempts to feel safe. Though we have understandably evolved to hold tight to past traumatic moments in time, to help us avoid them in the future, it is the other side of this coin that can perpetuate our own suffering. Thankfully, we can step out of these loops that no longer serve us.